Old Fox Books

Felicita Hawes
Oct 21, 2023
12 min read

Updated: Nov 1, 2024

Art of Being Alone

~

Seasons come and go, it's time to get the sweaters out. Not just for those walks in the park amongst the color changing trees. But also, for those cozy mornings for a cup of coffee by dawn's candlelight.

2

The waft of crisp cool air tickles at your nose. It's the first sign that the weather has gotten cooler. Summer is giving way to the gentler season of autumn. It's one of the calmer seasons. The in between of all the holidays right around the corner.

But let's not think about that. Those days will come.

For now, open the door to Old Fox Books.

You know the white Times New Roman lettering on the glass door all too well. There are already a few people inside. But its early this morning. Last time you were here we had just started our conversation. Life had swept us both away onto other things.

That's okay. For today you are nestled within the city harbor of Annapolis. You parked your car just down the street. The old city harbor breeze fluttering through the market street. You can see the boats in the dock reflecting on the window. Some of those crazy yachts you can imagine will be pretty full of those living the high life.

This morning though you want something sweet that will sooth your troubles. It's a Saturday. We shouldn't have any troubles. The work week is so far away. You take the bronze door handle opening the wooden frame.

Of course, you recognize me. As I said we spoke briefly before. I remember you. How could I not? Though I am happy you are back again. There is a soft buzz in the air today. The industrial lights are bright and cozy, with the soft orange tint to them. Today you can take this place in a little more.

Leave the rest to me. You came here to get away. From whatever your troubles were. Take a seat by the window. The one that overlooks the road slightly, nestled amongst the books. It has been saved just for you. Perhaps you've brought someone along with you. If so, then this place is exactly what you need it to be.

We smile at each other softly as you sit down. "How have you been?" I ask. There's a soft pause in the air "I hope things are going alright. Life has been hectic, I'm sure. It's just how life goes."

You look across trying to see the water to watch the early morning 10 AM light dance in flecks of white against the deep dark folds of the surface. It must be a sight to see as you ponder. You wonder who deep the dock must be. How cold, the water must be today in the late September.

People are not really out and about just yet out here. Mornings are typically quiet. Perhaps you will stay until later when all the excitement of life begins. That's neither here nor there at this point in time.

"What would you like today?" I ask gently standing. Someone does need to go to the counter.

From the way you look, something warm and soothing could do. But not so sweet this time. Perhaps a coffee been soaked in aged whiskey. Yes, I think that will do. Then a tint of pumpkin pie whipped cream. You're in luck we just made a fresh batch of pies too. Would you like that to go with it?

The nod of your head tells me all I need to know. Don't worry or feel rushed. This is your time to ease your troubles. The seagulls cry in the distance over the water. Oh, they never get old.

You wonder why I am here again.

Well, I'm here to figure out what I want, and enjoy. To find what makes people laugh and feel at ease in a place of solace. What works, and what doesn't work. For one day Woof & Coffee Co. to come alive. But that will take time. For now Woof & Coffee Co. is whatever you and I want and need it to be. It comes with us and transports us to these places that we find in life.

As the milk frothier hums, you notice there are some people sitting alone. Others paired together. Ahh... that is what you want to dive into today.

The art of being alone.

You look over at the barista's working, but your ears then catch the soft lofi jazz music. In here it is still surprisingly quiet. The conversations blocked out.

Just focus on being here.

Being comfortable about being alone is about being able to be present in the here and now. Besides, even if you are physically alone. One never really is alone. It's hard to understand I know. It took me a long time to feel comfortable as well.

The plate makes a soft clink against the wooden table. I sit across from you. This isn't your ordinary coffee shop. I try my best to get to know people and not to judge prior. What you tell me here isn't going to be weighed any differently.

Clearly today something about being alone or lonely is weighing on your mind. I can tell. I can see the gears in your mind turning as you work through it all. That's okay. It's what the coffee is for... to help ease you.

Wrestling with the ideas and feelings isn't easy. I understand. I've been there. Everyone gets to that point one way or another. If it hasn't happened that's okay too. It's a normal feeling. For some it may come more than once. But it gets more manageable as you go.

I've found grounding myself with something I enjoy. A small ritual of self-care helps me begin to tackle these thoughts. If we don't do something, then it is our thoughts that will control us.

For me... well that's making a warm cup of coffee.

It's not the taste or the aroma that fills me with ease. But rather my hands and focus turn to the sole art of making myself a cup of coffee. Today I made it for you, I will teach you how to make it. Don't worry. We'll get there.

First though, if you want my advice then I'll give it gladly. But remember, I say this kindly I only offer advice. What I say may not work for you immediately. These things take time and grace. It's not something that others can tell you over and over again until it sticks. You have to give it to yourself. It's not easy task. All the articles you have read before walking into this coffee shop well, they've left you with more questions than answers right?

I smile a small smile at you taking a sip of my own cup placing it down onto the table. Our eyes interlock and you can read what my eyes are telling you. I may give you more questions, it's on you to seek out the answers. But do not go wandering for what you want to hear. That will set you back.

I do not know how you feel in this moment sitting across from me. But being comfortable alone isn't easy. It requires you to be content with what you have. Something is missing though. I know that feeling. That thought.

The Why

It ruminates in my mind from time to time. That's a normal feeling, and it's a normal thought. But you have to dig into why you feel that way in order to address it. The why I'm afraid is solely on you. The how I can only provide you, my experiences, and those area tailored to my why. There is no one path to understanding this or to being happy with oneself.

Why do I feel alone?

Primarily because I've lost something. It could be something or someone you valued. A future or hope. Even as devastating as your dream. But I've found all of those center on one thing alone. A loss of touch with one's own self.

Your eyes don't believe me. You have barely touched your pumpkin pie. Find solace in the coffee, it's there. It's warm and kind. What I said wasn't meant to offend you, but it is a reality that not many are willing to accept. We want to blame things that happen on other things or blame it all on ourselves. Neither is healthy, and neither is true. You have to find a balance.

Before you can be alone and be happy with being alone. You have to be in tune with yourself. A loss of your own worth gives room for your own feelings to control you. The feeling of being alone or lonely is normal, in excesses though- that ruminates into disaster.

It can be as simple as listing out your likes and dislikes. Not things you don't like or like about yourself. But your like and dislikes that make you - you. I'm not here to make you do therapeutic exercises or self-reflection over our cup of coffee.

I'm just a friend giving your ideas based on my experiences. Remember, you don't have to take them. This is your safe space by the sea in the city of Annapolis. You can walk out anytime and enjoy the harbor in the morning air. Go sit by the docks or enjoy a boat ride across the harbor. There is a life to live out there and I understand.

Though for now you want to stay.

Oh, you want to know about my experience?

I sigh, I suppose that is absolutely fair, you watch me stare at the milk warm coffee as I fold my hands around the handmade mug. Coffee and a good deep talk in this space of solace.

It comes and goes like I said. There are days when I am content, and nothing can touch me. There are other days where the thought of being alone creeps back in to scare me. It's a normal feeling. But it was most frightening when I was younger, because I let it fester. I felt alone, and believed I was for quite some time. This idea is something we feed ourselves. That is where the risk of isolation comes in and we get the feeling others do not understand us, or do not want to. Remember this as we continue.

Call it a quarter life crisis back in the day. That's not a bad thing. Hopefully that means my mid-life crisis later down the line will be easier to manage and appease. Let's just say life had compounded change after change on me. One after the other without end. First a new place, a new state, a new home, new people, new job and I had lost the thing that had centered me. A person who I valued- but also at the same time I had lost my dreams and sight of who I truly was after many long years of being with this person. It had slowly chipped away the longer I was with them.

Intentional or unintentional everyone has an impact on another. My core values had been shaken, and time and time again I had compromised and made too many excuses. This was something I only began to understand after many months of reflection. This was solely on me, and it was really needed. Whether the person understands their part, that is on them. I cannot and will not control their growth or if they decide to stay stagnant.

As many of my friends say and family reminds me... I deserve so much better than what I received. It's a valid point many made over the years. Repeatedly, I am self-aware that I am stubborn. That's neither here not there.

If I deserved better then the first thing I needed to do was give myself what I deserved. If I wasn't going to get it from someone I valued, I would walk alone. It was daunting, and I won't lie, really frightening.

All I could do was focus on what I needed to do. That was realign myself to my core values of who I was. Being comfortable being alone after losing someone was not a road of new discovery for me entirely. There are parts yes and I wouldn't change those. It was more of a road of going back to being who I was before. Way before I met this person actually. Grounding myself in me and who I was and no longer compromising myself for another.

That's not to say I didn't adopt a few new practices. One of which we will get into. If you're following my continued monologue.

Decisive Clear Boundaries

First, I set my boundaries hard again. They cut down deep. Every individual who did not contribute to my peace of mind and personal growth I removed. This took a long time. I would like to say I snapped my fingers, and they were gone. It took some tough decisions. Several who argued and fought back pushing my boundary. My circle of true friends is much smaller now. I only keep those around who I really trust, and those who are willing to tell me the hard reality of my actions.

I set boundaries with myself as well. Most people forget that part. Self-discipline to me is also a form of self-care, self-respect, and self-love. I valued myself enough to cut out time to focus solely on me-- those who know me understand that value.

Growth and self-reflection are activities I immensely appreciate and value. If these boundaries are crossed it violates my dreams of becoming better. I put them there not only for myself, but also for others. Flipping the intent to my own personal purpose makes maintaining my boundaries easier for me to uphold. The central idea is that it's not just for me, but also for others is a pivotal part of who I am.

I also value time, I value time spent and I do not like to waste my own or that of others. Its why my boundaries are there. There are three things I keep in mind simply if someone wants to be in my inner circle now or even know my dreams.

The person must contribute to my happiness.
They must positively contribute to my health both physical and mental.
They must be passionate about something.

Those boundaries can vary from person to person. You don't need to know exactly what they are in the beginning. It's also a process of trial and error sometimes. But if your boundary at first makes you uncomfortable, know that you are on the right track. Especially if you've compromised on them before. You may have grown used to letting people walk over them.

I chuckle looking at you, "A lot of what I say may ramble so bear with me as we keep going." But you seem to be listening intently. You may have more questions than answers. "Remember what I'm telling you is an art. It's a skill you need to build with deliberate practice with yourself. You need to find your own answers... these are simply mine."

Understand The Relationship with You

That is a struggle about being alone. Much of what you do, and your daily comfort is centered on the most important person - the relationship you have with yourself.

If that personal relationship is not aligned first and foremost you cannot expect to be comfortable with being alone. It is an art. We'll get into that next.

Find what works for you and start small, don't just make a boundary for the sake of feeling you need to make one in order to make the anxious feeling of being scared to be alone go away. It won't, it goes away once you are comfortable with the boundary you once compromised and it goes away when you are comfortable with yourself. There is a major difference between being alone and isolating yourself.

You cock an eyebrow at me. Everyone says that's not okay. Even you know it. But these things depending on who you are, are easier said than done.

I laughed, "Oh yes, I've learned the hard way. It's not the greatest moment that's for sure. But we all live and we learn. There was a short while I cut everyone out of my life, two weeks may not seem too long, but I surrounded myself with the incorrect things. I thought it was because I could power through and simply muscle my way out."

You look at your coffee listening as you ponder, "previously, I had done it before. Yet what works once or twice may not always work again. In fact, this time it backfired." You're a bit tense. So you might have done the same thing. That's okay.

I sip my coffee looking at you as you break your stare, "It's not a bad thing. It shows a form of strength not everyone has. People who can power through things like a bull-dozer sure, if it works. But I guarantee you they won't grow. They'll be in the same spot as last time not willing to stop and look. Understand how they got to the point where they got and move forward. That's how you truly manifest being alone."

"How will I know once I've achieved it?" you ask softly.

There's a glimmer in your eyes. You've been working on it for so long. Or maybe you've just begun, and the task is large and seems so insurmountable."

I smile a soft smile finishing my cup and set it down and fold my hands on the table,

"Because once you do these things and make the changes, slowly... one small step at a time. For weeks, months, and even years... you're actually going to attract exactly what you are manifesting. Other people and life will want to be a part of that. You gain momentum. That's when you know." I whisper.